BAD BALLERINA DANCES
AGAINST VIOLENCEdPress 2002 Sebastopol
Cover photo graph by Lance D.C. Paradis
for Kimberly
AT CLUB FAB
An auditorium without an audience. Two women dancing. One dances in a white gown, and she moves with confident abandon— a performance addressed to emptiness.
The other woman is on a swing, center stage. She wears black frilly briefs and a transparent tunic over a beige undershirt. Her black hip boots have spike heels. She fuses the can can dancer to the go go girl.
The woman in white is a bride. She is death. She is a piece of cake with vanilla frosting being eaten by a man with dirty fingers. She has lost her shoes, and she looks for them, high and low.
The can can dancer fused to the go go girl twists the ropes of her swing, winding and unwinding her body in languid arcs. She is asleep, and she lies in the sand of her dreams and feels the warm sun and the cool sea breeze.
Both women have a secret. In these two secrets are all the other secrets.
ROOM
I'm in a room with a door
you can go through
but I can't
You're in a room with a door
I can go through
but you can't
I'm in a room with a door
you can go through
but I can't
You're in a room with a door
I can go through
but you can't
I'm in a room with a door
you can go through
but I can't
You're in a room with a door
I can go through
but you can't
FOR ANYONE
no floor
no walls
no ceiling
what did you expect?
a wanting heart
a burning mouth
tangled nerves
there is a bell
and a mirror
and a lamp
as the bell rings
it begins to crack
the mirror reflects
a broken shadow
the lamp reveals
everyone has gone back
what did you expect?
I WAIT
in this room
full of words
each moment advancing
in the eternal
jumping up, leaping sideways
each foot ahead
putting each foot
up
each step a prayer
and the shadows letting themselves down
I am motionless, beyond doubt
seeing the shadows grow fainter
finding I am staring inward
and the night is there
and I ask
"Am I awake?"
and the darkness shakes
and leaves
MY WORDS
one at a time
each has gone
across
one at a time
each has gone
over
gone
in silence
without memory
with closed eyes
and little hope
trying to avoid
the mistakes
of their ancestors
already they are extinct
ALREADY EXTINCT
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
wahatever
WHATever
HARD
but I want to understand why I'm here
on this planet
in this body
in the embodied mind
I feel small
thinking of the Universe
looking at the stars
and the stars look small
to me, so
far away
SKIMMING
Deport, unfinished
Don't know who the president is
and don't give a damn
Just want to get laid
Raw, ridiculous
Jumping up
and leaping sideways
I cross my fingers
FOR PALOMA
C'est non poeme.
THEY'VE GOT ME ON GUILT INJECTIONS
it's spring in the meadow of noon
the rain is dropping
negative Orgone energy
we're
nestled in a rose, whispering
ciao, baby
ciao
ciao flower, ah, creamy
ciao flower
silky, winged ciao flower
I've become sentimental about every kiss
MIMICS IN THE MIST
I walk on the leaves
fallen on the ground—
gravity's delight!
pressed to the pavement
in the wet night
Mimics brush by
in white face and tattered tux
I turn, they turn, my turn, their turn
doubles hide in every word
I envision you
at your till
in Montmartre
truth follows beauty around the lake
TEST
Test
test
test
One
two
three
This is
a test
Test
test
test
Dark clouds on the horizon
a burning beach
and the working of the sun and worlds
the logic of my nerves
my dream bubble
This is a test
One
two
three
TOWARDS THE LIGHT
To make sense of the chaotic flux
the consuming patterns and
the puzzling utterances
I love
A CHICKEN LEG IS A RARE MEAL
Can you taste it now?
Good
Can you taste it now?
Good
Can you taste it now?
Good
Can you taste it now?
Good
Can you taste it now?
Good
Can you taste it now?
Good
Can you taste it now?
AFTER THE INVISIBLE
flipped over, turned around
winter sprawls in space
at everyone
flipped over, turned around
winter sprawls in space
at everyone
voice repeats
because ear retreats
flipped over, turned around
spring twinkling in the antipodes
does not care to speculate
flipped over, turned around
spring twinkling in the antipodes
does not care to speculate
voice repeats
because ear retreats
flipped over, turned around
blissful in uneasiness
hard to tell desire from distress
CONTACT
a jumble
makes a coherent whole
a confusion clears
in order
to let me view
the Trinity
I follow a trail along a fence line
picking up discarded pizza boxes
which I stash in a pile near the base
of a post and cover with a tarp
someone I can't see is with me, has
gone ahead into a field, we
are talking about litter
and I think of a litter of pigs
instead of pizza boxes
I remember killing the runts in a pen
on a farm in Iowa when I was a boy
crushing their skulls with a hammer
and, later, standing in my bloody overalls
and asking forgiveness of the Universe
IN
a forest— an old
cannon in a tree
that could fall if
there was a breeze
later
a boy kisses a girl
and the cannon falls
or not, if no one's there
later
abnormal that
there is a forest at all
after those kisses
later
a sequence
of abstract pictures
placed
between
interruptions
CRETAN LYRE
beyond joy and woe
where I can do what I do
without having to lie
addleheaded in Safeway
Jigme Lingpa arises in the eggplants
transmits mantra to my inner idiot
OM AH HUM OM AH HUM
WICHA TYE TYE WICHA TYE TYE
CUMA ROMA CUMA ROMA HEY HEY
coming before coming before
coming way before coming
CIRCLE
My memory born in a lotus
peacock feathers heavy with poison
our lives jumbled together
You drop your fork and say it's time to go
then remember the show's not over
until the tattooed lady dances
DIRGE
for Joe Saviers
everybody knew
your friends knew
your family
your psychiatrist knew
but you kept drinking
and drinking and drinking
and now your friends say prayers
by the oven where you are cremated
and we did a puja in the gompa on a full moon night
Tashi heard your voice, it was raining through sunlight
two rainbows appeared, so she put flowers on the shrine
and Jack got a message, "What's up with the dead flowers?"
PROMETHEUS SINGS
RAM YAM KAM
GI SANG JYNG TRU
OM AH LA LA HO HRI
SARVA DAKINI PHE PHE
uncertain
chained, yet
rocked
laughing in the rafters
starburst in his prime
splendid
rage mixed with joy
unsubdued
singing to be free
of his secrets
FREEDOM AHEAD
I pray to the imps at the crossroads
where I clean a window to a broken promise
and my dusty feet are washed in the sea of beginning
the imps are writing dirges
on the bag of bones we call spring
I keep speaking, and they keep writing
I listen to a plum tree rattle its branches—
staccato beats against this empty cage
the imps demand I give them a line of credit
I give them marks on a drum and a flag
but such answers never satisfy
the trick is to proceed without certainty
CARRYING MY BONES
rays of light coming out of me
as I walk down the street
I'm walking an inch above the pavement
skimming the surface
responding to the simplicity of rainbow body
while I mutate into a welcome mystery
ahead of me, temptations pile up
FALLING
off a horse
off a roof
out of a tree
out of a car
preparing to fall
removing my shoes
listening to your voice
knowing the pain
knowing what I owe
what I will do
left to right
left to write
FACELESS PRESENT
unborn
unbidden
the sunlight
fills the unlit
street, and
suddenly, I
turn and smile
leaving the night wind
full of whispers
NEXUS OF ENTITIES
for Darrell Gray
Arrested by material reality
thrown forward into fantasy
knowing "I" am the subject
and "am" is the verb and not
having to go further
Let me relax and the occasion
take the wind out of suffering
AND HERE I AM
mistakes in my mind
but light in my heart
Ol' Dog
dancing to a drum
with feathers on
"Look!"
I'm growing wings
I'm
I'm falling in love
THE CALL
some
lead
and some
follow
or stand back
or hide
there are those that stay in bed
and those that run away
eyes that stare forward
and eyes that stare back
eyes that shift
eyes that are blind
to the light
we spin